I've always wanted to be a mommy. I thought I would make a perfect mommy. I thought I would know exactly what to do in an emergency and exactly how to react when something unexpected happened. I also thought I would be calm and patient and gentle with my children ALWAYS no matter what the situation was. I was wrong. I was very, very wrong. I freak out when something involving blood or bodily fluid comes a long and my head spins around like a monster when I'm feeling stressed and Addie doesn't listen or do what I tell her to do. I am not patient at all, but rather frazzled and demanding at times. I'm just not the mommy I thought I would be. However, I love them more than I ever thought possible----that I am really good at. I want to protect them and keep them safe and make them feel confident and happy. Tim and I are very affectionate with them both, and we are always trying to make them feel special and important and SAFE.
Today, Hayes scared me. While playing with me...on a trampoline...he got hurt. He wasn't with a babysitter, or a teenage friend down the street, or at daycare. He was with me. I put him on a trampoline...a big trampoline with Addie and two of her little friends. He fell down when one of the "bigger" kids jumped near him, and then he wanted off. It wasn't his thing. I helped him down from the trampoline and that's when I noticed it. He couldn't walk. His little knees kept giving out from underneath him and he kept falling to the ground, grumbling in frustration. My mommy friends tried to soothe my worry by suggesting that his equilibrium was off. But it didn't go away. He kept falling. He finally gave up walking altogether and started crawling everywhere. WHAT? What is going on? My Dad called in the middle of it all and I was just beginning to panic. Why isn't he walking? What is wrong with his legs? Nothing happened on that trampoline. I was right there. I watched him the entire time. I don't get it. He got hurt under my watch, and that just plain stinks. I can't believe I let him get hurt. What was I thinking?
Well, after a rather quick trip to the Doctor, and a few instructions on what to look for over the next few days, we are home, and he is doing much better. He is walking on his little legs now, although we can definitely tell that he has done something to make him nervous about using them. Perhaps it is a pulled muscle or bruised ligament. Who knows? I am just thankful that nothing appears to be broken and it seems to be getting better, not worse.
This motherhood stuff is not easy. I love it, but it's just plain hard. Someone should have warned me. Someone should have taught me a few classes or something.
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